Monday, February 17, 2014
Once upon a time, there were two tribes that would wage constant war with sharpened sticks, the Uggs and the Iggs. The Uggs could make many sharp sticks, but they were simple and not as effective. Their strength was in their numbers. The Iggs made much better sticks, a man with an Igg stick could easily best several Uggs, but they could not make them in great numbers. The Iggs and Uggs would face off, working to maximize their strengths and try to counter their weaknesses. The Uggs would posiion themselves, choose their targets and try to overwhelm the enemy with numbers while the Iggs would attempt to out-maneuver the hordes, thinning their numbers as much as they could before striking when the time was right. This was known as "tactics". The two tribes were fairly equal and victory was decided by the abilties of their commanders and random chance.
Then one day, the gods (who claim that they don't really care for war but are only interested in selling pointy sticks and paints but still make rules of war so people who choose to buy their sticks could then have a battle with them) decided to give the Uggs fire. This threw the world into chaos. Iggs started dying in droves as no tactic or combination could stand to the might of fire. Igg stick sales dropped, but fire sales went through the roof. Many Iggs even changed tribes so they could use fire for themselves, but the most loyal Iggs were stuck with their sticks, which were still good and worked in inter-tribal conflicts but instantly fell short when faced wih fire.
The Igg generals ccomplained to the gods who usually ignore them. They went to the 1 priest temples where they were told they were fighting their wars wrong and it wasn't victory that mattered but the enjoyment of the wars that was important. Of course when the Uggs would end most wars 5 minutes after they started, there wasn't even any chance to enjoy the war.
Finally it seemed that the gods might have heard the Iggs becase one day they granted them the gift of thermonuclear weapons. "This", said the gods "will fix the error we made by releasing fire to the world. We could just change the rules from fire using the ancient laws of FAQ, but we stopped issuing these prooclamations years ago. This is a much better solution and we'll make a fortune selling nucleear weapons to the Igg commanders and all will be right with the world."
So the Iggs had nukes. These were very expensive so of course the average Igg commander couldn't invest in one and was still the victim of the Ugg's fire, but as Iggs stared nuking the Uggs more and more people started to see how useless their war really was. There was no fun in it anymore. What's the fun of a battle that's over as soon as it begins? The Ugg and Igg finally started peace talks and when they agreed to no longer use fire or nukes, they realized they'd rather play Firestorm Armada instead. The gods there at least give a damn about the tribes in their universe.